Why Men Need Groups (I Know Because One Changed My Life)

I was in my twenties and I was lonely. Not the obvious kind.
I had people around me, relationships, a full enough life on the surface. But the connections lacked depth and I did not even have language for that yet. I just knew something felt thin.
Like I was moving through my life slightly behind glass.

I did not find a therapist. I did not find a coach. I found a men’s group.

I want to be honest about what that was like at first. I sat back. I watched. I was not ready to participate in any real way and nobody pushed me to. What I did instead was watch other men do something I had never seen men do. Be brave in front of each other. Share what was actually going on. Ask for support without it costing them something.

Something in me was paying close attention.

Over time I felt myself get invited in. Not by anyone saying anything directly just by the quality of the container. The consistency of it. Week after week, men showed up and went somewhere real, and nothing bad happened. Gradually I started to take my own risks. I got out of my comfort zone and found that I was held there.

That was long before I ever thought about becoming a therapist. Long before I trained at Naropa or knew words like “contemplative” or “depth work.” The men’s group came first. It was my first real experience of being witnessed, and of witnessing others.

Everything I do now is downstream of that.

The loneliness that doesn’t announce itself

There is a particular kind of loneliness that does not announce itself. It shows up as distraction. As irritability at the end of a long day. As the vague sense that you are handling everything fine and also that something essential is missing.

Most men I know have felt it. Few have a name for it.

A men’s group creates the conditions where that can change. Not through answers, but through company. The felt sense that your inner life is not pathological. That other men wrestle with the same things. That there is a version of being a man that does not require you to carry it all without help.
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I am opening a men’s circle in Boulder this spring. Twelve weeks, meeting bi-weekly, grounded in contemplative psychology and depth work. We begin with a free open house on April 14th. No commitment, just come and see what the room feels like.

Learn more and RSVP at witnessingyou.com/circle, or book a free connection call if you want to talk first.