Every December, I see the same thing happen to the men around me (myself included). The calendar fills up. The money feels tight. The family gatherings start to loom, along with the old roles we fall back into the moment we walk through the door. And somewhere underneath it all is the weight of a year drags on us, reminding us how things didn't go quite the way we planned.
Most of us handle it the way we were taught. We push through, and call it "strength."
Or we stay busy, stay useful, stay fine. Maybe have an extra drink or a few, over eat, work some more hours, stay glued to the couch for another quarter of football... Or we collapse, and tell ourselves "I'm just being lazy."
I've come to believe it's actually just loneliness with good posture.
The longest night
The winter solstice falls on December 21. It's the longest night of the year, the moment the dark stops growing and the light starts to slowly come back. For thousands of years, humans have marked that shift with fire. They gathered in circle, named all that the year had cost them, and then let it go before the new one began.
We've mostly lost that. December has become a sprint to the finish line instead of a opportunity to look back. There's no moment where we get permission to stop, take stock, and put the weight of the year down.
So I'm making one.
Fire & Ice
On Saturday, December 19, I'm hosting Fire & Ice: A Winter Solstice Men's Circle at Puffin Sauna Club in Boulder. It's two hours, from 9 to 11 in the morning, for up to 20 men.
Here's how the morning unfolds:
We arrive at the fire. No agenda yet. Just a chance to land and drop the responsibilities of the week.
We move in silence. Before anyone speaks, we move together around the fire. A simple and slow guided walking meditation, with nothing to perform.
We sit in circle. We set a simple agreement about confidentiality. Then each man names what he's ready to burn away and writes it down.
We go into the heat and the cold. Rounds of sauna and cold plunge, at your own pace, with rest by the fire in between.
We close at the fire. Each man burns what he wrote and names one word for what he's calling in to the new year.
Why heat, cold and fire
Talking matters. But a lot of what men carry doesn't live in words. It lives in the jaw, the shoulders, the breath we've been holding since October.
Heat loosens it. Cold brings you all the way back into your body, fast, with no room left for the story in your head. And a fire has a way of making men sit a little closer and speak a little more honestly than they would anywhere else.
Put those together with a circle of men who are willing to be real, and something shifts. Not because anyone fixed anything, but because you finally set it down where other people could see it.
Who it's for
This is for any man who feels the pressure of the year weighing on him. Maybe you've never sat in a men's circle. Maybe you've never done a cold plunge. That's fine. No experience is needed, and you never have to share more than you want to. Listening is good medicine.
It's also for the man who looks like he has it together, and does, mostly. Those are often the ones carrying the most.
Fire & Ice is a community gathering, not therapy. It's a morning of connection, reflection and ritual, hosted in partnership with Puffin Sauna Club.
Join us
When: Saturday, December 19, 9–11am
Where: Puffin Sauna Club, Boulder, CO
Cost: sliding scale, $45 or $55 ($30 for Puffin members)
Spots: limited to 20 men
Details and tickets: witnessingyou.com/fireandice
If you know a man who needs this, send it to him. Sometimes the invitation is the hardest part.
See you at the fire.
— David